very-funny

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but s…

A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. He says, “Ma’am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I’ll eat whatever the vacuum doesn’t pick up.” The woman smiles…

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, i…

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.  'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.  Angus…

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be. “Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?” “No, I do not,” she replied sweetly. “You were going 10mph on the highway tha…

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing be…

John and Roberta were touring their brand new house. It was a house that Roberta had paid for with her money, a fact of which she constantly reminded John. In each room of the house she said: “John, if it were not for my money, we would not be here.” John didn’t say a word. That afternoon a truck delivered a load of…

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. Then the genie informs that he will give her three w…

The husband had just finished reading the book “Man of the House.” He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m fin…

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘You Can Be The Man of Your House.’ He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serv…

Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him. “I say, Mulla,” said the man “Which is the way to the palace?” “How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja. The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and m…

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.” “Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week w…

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and …

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…well here are the Testimonials of a few people who did…. First Testimony: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,…